(For reference, this was just after my 4th failed cycle of IVF)
Wednesday August 31, 2016 3:38pm
I had a blood test to detect pregnancy hormone levels. Just got the call. It was negative. I’m drinking and plan to get drunk.
Waiting for my dr to call to talk to me. I want to hear her thoughts. I don’t know when you decide to give up. If we wanted it less it wouldn’t be as hard to decide, but this is such a big life thing. It is so much money, which is terrifying, and such a hard process and yet we want more kids so much.
Wednesday August 31, 2016 4:11pm
I just talked to my dr. She actually brought my case to the entire team there to discuss next steps. She said my case is definitely a difficult one, but no one thought it was time to discuss donor eggs, and they all seem consolidated on the way to move ahead, which is at least positive. I mean it’s more money which is terrifying, but they all still have a lot of hope.
Wednesday August 31, 2016 9:58pm
Sorry to hear the news. I know how disappointing this is for you. Lots to think about.
Love you, Mom & Dad
First of all, please note the SIX hour gap. For reals, Mom? You wait six hours to respond to THAT text message? I know for a fact you keep your phone on your desk, so whaaaaat? Really feeling the love. Second of all, are you a robot? This is like a text you’d get from your emotionally-detached manager, not your MOTHER. “I know how disappointing this is for you.” How about, “I am so sorry sweetie, we feel so heart broken on your behalf and love you so much, I wish we could take your pain away.” It also slightly annoys me that I sent this to my mom, and she signs it “Mom and Dad.” Like, what, he can’t send a text himself?? Also, gotta love the closing line. “Lots to think about.” Which is now the title to my memoir. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?? Seriously. WTF.
Thursday September 1, 2016 11:10am
Thanks mom. Yesterday was horrible. I drank way too much which maybe wasn’t the healthiest way to process, but I just gave zero shits about being healthy, to be honest.
[Insert husband’s name] doesn’t want to give up yet, and I think I don’t want to either though I go back and forth. But either way I want to talk to our doctor again. I need to understand how we gauge when it is time to quit. I don’t want to be the fertility equivalent of a cancer patient on their deathbed going for another round of chemo.
I may also start looking into adoption. I know [insert husband’s name] has mixed feelings about that because of his family and not feeling close to his siblings (who are adopted), but I feel like we need to consider it.
Or maybe we just appreciate the one kid we have and take advantage of the fact that we can do more and travel more with just one kid.
I don’t know.
This is typical of me. I meet what I feel is a lukewarm and less than supportive response with yet more honesty and, frankly, what I feel is unwarranted vulnerability in a further attempt to get the support I so desperately crave from people I know deep down are incapable of providing it for me. Let’s see what happens!!
September 1, 2016 11:59am
I know… Lots to process. Always good to remember the blessings you have with [insert my son’s name + a heart emoji]
Lots to process! Lots to fucking process indeed…with my therapist…in multiple follow up sessions. I can not stress enough how demoralizing it is to have your MOTHER be this detached when you are in a fuck ton of pain. And I know I’m fucking lucky and blessed to have the child that I do have! That is not lost on me, lady. It took me a hell of a lot to get that far, and I am grateful DAILY. But I don’t need YOU to tell me that. And for the record, I’m pretty sure when I was trying the first time you and Dad told me a) I just needed to relax and it would happen (factually untrue), b) if it was meant to be God would provide (I really truly NEVER need to hear that again), and c) adoption was always an option (believe me, anyone going through infertility challenges fucking KNOWS that, but thanks!). Lastly, inserting a cute emoji is not a substitute for actual emotional sensitivity.