Words of advice I never need to hear again

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“Have you tried charting your ovulation?” Oh wow, thanks. I hadn’t considered that even though it is literally the first thing that anyone who is trying to have a baby does when things aren’t working.

“Have you tried [insert some non-western and/or non-traditional approach like acupuncture or yoga or the paleo diet]?” Yes, I’ve tried it all. All of it. EVERYTHING.

“Have you considered [insert some medical treatment]?” Yes – and let me acknowledge that while you are well meaning, I actually have a pretty well trained team of professionals who are on the case and don’t really have time to get several medical degrees so that I can self diagnose and draft a full treatment plan.

“Don’t worry, it will happen for you!” Or maybe it won’t! How do you know? The world is filled with people who worked really hard, and tried to think optimistically, and still didn’t get what they wanted. To quote one of my favorite books, “Life is not a wish granting factory.”

“You just need to relax.” or “It’ll happen once you stop trying.” Sure, for 1 in 5 billion people struggling with infertility this is actually happens. But for a lot of us there are reasons things aren’t happening that have nothing to do with relaxation. Also, ALSO, its really fucking hard to relax when your biological clock is ticking and you know that you better make it happen now or never and you’ve been at it for years and are pumped full of hormones and feel emotionally brittle and financially strapped.

“God will provide.” Fuck. That. First of all, you presume a lot about my religious beliefs. Secondly, even if we are literally kneeling in a church pew when you say this, this isn’t just about hard prayer. There’s actually a shit ton of complicated science involved here, so please just quit it.

“Everything happens for a reason.” Oh really? Like Syria? Like Darfur? Like the Holocaust? Also fuck. That.

“You can always adopt.” I’m pretty well aware of that fact, and I have probably had a lot of tear-filled late night conversations with my significant other about what we will do if we can’t have a baby, so also please just quit it.

“You know, it took us a few months too, so I totally get what you’re going through.” No you don’t. You really, really don’t. And I actually wouldn’t wish it on you. But please stop trying to compare our situations.

 

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5 thoughts on “Words of advice I never need to hear again

  1. The “just relax” comments kill me. I’m like, “how about we switch spots and you try this out, then? See how you do?”

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  2. My favorite to date is, ” Well I only had to wash my clothes with my husbands to get pregnant it seemed, so I dont know what to tell you.” or “Im sure this is tough, our entire family is very fertile and have never had any difficulty, Im sure he (my husband) is quite shocked how difficult this has been for you two.”

    I had to hold my breath and regain composure before responding to the magnanimous amount of stupidity of the first one comment and the second came from my MIL who I know meant well but it still stung. I love how people think that they know how to fix it if they have never experienced it.

    I have have to stop myself from saying until you have given your self countless injections, experienced a full cycle of IVF, a FET with miscarriage and a second FET (currently in the TWW), I dont need or want your advice. (but it could be the hormones responding as well).

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