Lately I’ve been contemplating donor eggs. And by contemplating I mean that we’ve begun the donor egg process. We were on vacation in June and had just learned our 3rd IUI had failed – well, technically it was our 10th IUI since we did 7 IUIs before moving to IVF…and then back to IUI – and I decided it was time to start looking into next steps. And once we learned that the donor egg program had a 6+ month wait at Cornell, it made sense to begin the process of getting ourselves on the list.
So we did all the consultations, and my husband has given blood for genetic testing, and now we have to fill out our form and give photos of me as a child and me now. Needless to say I’m finding all of it emotional and overwhelming. Some days I’m numb and disconnected from myself, some days I’m unbelievably tired, other days I’m depressed and want to do nothing but eat junk food, watch Netflix, and sleep.
Today is day 1 of my cycle and we agreed to do one more IUI so that we could consciously say, okay, this is our last time. I don’t expect it to work, and part of me doesn’t really want to spend any more money on treatments that fail time after time. But I’m willing to try one last time.
Our doctor continues to say she thinks we have a chance getting pregnant with my eggs based on my age, AMH and FSH, and she wants to continue IUIs through the end of the year. But there’s only so much more I can take of this infertility hamster wheel – and only so much money we’re both willing to spend on treatments that keep failing. Nearly 3 years into things I’m feeling like failure after failure has the potential to erode something within me, and I want to preserve the person I am. Maybe there’s one good egg in there, but I’m not sure I’m willing to go on and on forever just to find it. We’ve already given this way more time than either of us wanted, and we aren’t getting any younger. Maybe it would be better to accept I can’t have any more kids with my own eggs, grieve that loss, and then get on with the process of having a baby.